I'm sorry to the people that I've already let down on here. Don't rely on me. I'm a social nightmare. I'll say I'll do something (and I'll mean it) but then I'll freak out and I'll talk myself out of it. I can't help it. Cut me some slack, I'm getting help.
I've been looking over some old photographs. It's crazy what looking backwards does to you, pictures are amazing. Not just fancy pictures taken with a lens the length of an elephants trunk and a price just as long - I mean any old photo, a photo taken on the first ever camera phone. My old blurry pictures from Uni - taken 4 years ago are just a wake up call to the spunky, witty, popular me. The me (without the popular bit) that I am inside. The passion for writing.... when I'm sat here with the fire raging inside me and my head just telling me what to type and me going for it for hours and it all coming together magically. Me not even having to try. The funny me - the me with all the fun ideas. Back when I used to write comedy scripts. That's who I am inside. I miss her so much. Where did she go? I need her.
I know I love Chris. And I was still her when I met him. I was her for a long, long time afterwards. The thrill and the excitement of becoming an 'adopted' Geordie kept the fire burning.
Did it all go wrong when I had Charlie? Did I get PND? I don't know. Probably a bit. But things started before that. Me and Chris rowed. We were moved to Newcastle and we got bored. We were going nowhere. The fire started to die down - why... why did that happen?? I have to put my finger on why. Then I can start to help myself.
Yes, I'm getting therapy. And the reason I've not put up blog updates about it is because it's not really helping. The talking bit is fun - fun?! It's a bit sad that I think it's fun. Maybe it's what is fun to me at the moment. I suppose I think it's fun because it feels good, talking to somebody else, even if they are being paid to "care"... but I feel fake. I feel like I can't truly be me with this woman. Or Chris. Or anyone. Something is blocking it. Am I scared to be me? Am I scared of rejection? Am I scared that if I say what I really want then something really bad will happen?
I don't want to be fake. I don't want to be this normal, boring, fakey, house-wifey type person who cooks and cleans and looks after her child and blogs about the standard. It's not me.
How can I get her back.... maybe now I've realised that I need to, I'll be able to figure out a way.
Saturday 12 April 2014
Tuesday 8 April 2014
Feelings and aims
To anyone reading this ...just please understand that my mind isn't working properly at the moment, and my writing is suffering. My head feels battered all the time.
Believe it or not I've done multiple writing courses!
I had my first therapy session and I have another tomorrow. I will be posting about both tomorrow evening. As cliche as it sounds, one good thing about having SAD & a blog is the potential to help others with this horrible illness.
I've been neglecting my blog lately though, and I think it's because it's just so colourful and joyful and cheery and my life "outside of the blog world" is the opposite. Hence the change of layout. It just seemed fake.
I have severe paranoia and freaked out worry like I've never felt. All you bloggers seem to live such exciting lives, full of activity and fun and never ending love and energy. I'm in huge envious awe.
I completely understand that it's hard to be a new blogger and you should expect to be ignored in favor of popular bloggers. But with Social Anxiety Disorder - ANY commuication (or lack thereof -ie being ignored) is hard.
I freak out when people comment, I freak out when they don't. You can't win.
It's a complex illness.
I don't expect people to care. Do you blog and expect people to care? Because I do care about some of you. Some of your posts really affect me and I genuinely post responses that are honest and caring. I want to make you feel better.
I'm sitting there with my heart breaking for some of you. And I'm sitting there grinning like mad at some of your fun activities. I believe that I care.
But do you care that I care? I care too much that you care that I care. And I care that you care that I care that you care.
But I can't care about all these blogs if I'm not getting a little bit back. Otherwise it's just draining. Yeah I'd love to be a 100% giver and expect nothing in return, but who can honestly say they'd be happy never feeling cared about?
I'm so delicate about it all. I hate how it all sounds, like how pathetic it sounds, but it's me, and it's the me I'm stuck with, just like you've got you.
I don't think people understand just how different people can be MENTALLY. And how that affects them PHYSICALLY. Just how much harder it is to do simple things.
People will say "Oh I find it so hard to get up with my child in the night and play with them all day and deal with their tantrums and do all the housework, cook all the meals, and be pregnant at the same time, but I do it and I smile because I'm a mum and I love my kids"
Well I love my little boy too. Just as much. But you have to believe that I find that stuff 500x harder because there is so much missing from my life that you have in yours. The stuff that balances the bad times out.
I don't have a normal relationship with my partner for starters. I don't let him near me. I haven't let him near me for two years. Even holding hands is hard. He's also 100% of my support system. I have no other friends or family who support me. Nobody.
I've lived like this for too long. My life is wasting away. My best years.
Of course I try. And I need this to be believed. I try SO DAMN HARD to give Charlie adventure and fun. Every week I do different activities with him and take him somewhere new. Chris needs to be with me. But we do it. Every week. Nearly every day Charlie is doing something creative and educational. An eating food full of vitamins, protein, fiber, calcium and iron. Childhood is so special.
His will be special.
I know for a fact that other parents who aren't even affected mentally don't bother with their kids. So yeah, I take some pride in what I do with Charlie. But I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy and I'm this perfect mammy and I'm coping fine with Social Anxiety and depression. I'm not. I'm not coping.
I really feel like just one person cares. Should that be enough? He shouldn't have to be my carer. He needs care too. But then his life is jam packed with his friends and family calling him all the time. But still, he shouldn't need to be my carer.
I feel like I want a way out. All the time. I want to be fixed. How do I do it?
I'm lonely and I'm sad and I'm SO DAMN JEALOUS of EVERYONE who has friends and a social life. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a friend. I mean an actual real life friend who isn't just words on a screen from somebody sitting behind it miles away. Sometimes thousands of miles away.
I have 4 contacts in my phone; mum, dad, Chris and the doctors. Mum and dad call every month and the conversation is about Charlie and when they can see him.
I'm not saying that I don't love some of the people I've met online either. Some of you are amazing. I have seen some genuinely altruistic acts, and that's really rare.
I want to be like that. I so want to help others with SAD and I want to foster young children. Childhood is right up there as one of the best times of your life and it's over so quickly and every child deserves a magical one. All the problems and stresses of teenage hormones and adult responsibility come at you like a freakin wrecking ball before you know it.
A lovely blogger (I'm sorry I don't know who because there's so many lovely ones, and they're all similar) posted a list of things she'd love to do with her life.
I have SO MUCH I'd love to do as well and so I thought it'd be good to make my own list, but stick to the short term.
I'm going to leave off the obvious like "Be the best mammy/girlfriend/wife I can" Of course I want that! It's like saying "Love my baby", "Remember to breathe".
I'm not always going to be the best mam and the best girlfriend. It's healthy to understand that. At the moment I'm pretty bad at both.
So here goes. My hopes and goals for the next couple of years.
Believe it or not I've done multiple writing courses!
I had my first therapy session and I have another tomorrow. I will be posting about both tomorrow evening. As cliche as it sounds, one good thing about having SAD & a blog is the potential to help others with this horrible illness.
I've been neglecting my blog lately though, and I think it's because it's just so colourful and joyful and cheery and my life "outside of the blog world" is the opposite. Hence the change of layout. It just seemed fake.
I have severe paranoia and freaked out worry like I've never felt. All you bloggers seem to live such exciting lives, full of activity and fun and never ending love and energy. I'm in huge envious awe.
I completely understand that it's hard to be a new blogger and you should expect to be ignored in favor of popular bloggers. But with Social Anxiety Disorder - ANY commuication (or lack thereof -ie being ignored) is hard.
I freak out when people comment, I freak out when they don't. You can't win.
It's a complex illness.
I don't expect people to care. Do you blog and expect people to care? Because I do care about some of you. Some of your posts really affect me and I genuinely post responses that are honest and caring. I want to make you feel better.
I'm sitting there with my heart breaking for some of you. And I'm sitting there grinning like mad at some of your fun activities. I believe that I care.
But do you care that I care? I care too much that you care that I care. And I care that you care that I care that you care.
But I can't care about all these blogs if I'm not getting a little bit back. Otherwise it's just draining. Yeah I'd love to be a 100% giver and expect nothing in return, but who can honestly say they'd be happy never feeling cared about?
I'm so delicate about it all. I hate how it all sounds, like how pathetic it sounds, but it's me, and it's the me I'm stuck with, just like you've got you.
I don't think people understand just how different people can be MENTALLY. And how that affects them PHYSICALLY. Just how much harder it is to do simple things.
People will say "Oh I find it so hard to get up with my child in the night and play with them all day and deal with their tantrums and do all the housework, cook all the meals, and be pregnant at the same time, but I do it and I smile because I'm a mum and I love my kids"
Well I love my little boy too. Just as much. But you have to believe that I find that stuff 500x harder because there is so much missing from my life that you have in yours. The stuff that balances the bad times out.
I don't have a normal relationship with my partner for starters. I don't let him near me. I haven't let him near me for two years. Even holding hands is hard. He's also 100% of my support system. I have no other friends or family who support me. Nobody.
I've lived like this for too long. My life is wasting away. My best years.
Of course I try. And I need this to be believed. I try SO DAMN HARD to give Charlie adventure and fun. Every week I do different activities with him and take him somewhere new. Chris needs to be with me. But we do it. Every week. Nearly every day Charlie is doing something creative and educational. An eating food full of vitamins, protein, fiber, calcium and iron. Childhood is so special.
His will be special.
I know for a fact that other parents who aren't even affected mentally don't bother with their kids. So yeah, I take some pride in what I do with Charlie. But I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy and I'm this perfect mammy and I'm coping fine with Social Anxiety and depression. I'm not. I'm not coping.
I really feel like just one person cares. Should that be enough? He shouldn't have to be my carer. He needs care too. But then his life is jam packed with his friends and family calling him all the time. But still, he shouldn't need to be my carer.
I feel like I want a way out. All the time. I want to be fixed. How do I do it?
I'm lonely and I'm sad and I'm SO DAMN JEALOUS of EVERYONE who has friends and a social life. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a friend. I mean an actual real life friend who isn't just words on a screen from somebody sitting behind it miles away. Sometimes thousands of miles away.
I have 4 contacts in my phone; mum, dad, Chris and the doctors. Mum and dad call every month and the conversation is about Charlie and when they can see him.
I'm not saying that I don't love some of the people I've met online either. Some of you are amazing. I have seen some genuinely altruistic acts, and that's really rare.
I want to be like that. I so want to help others with SAD and I want to foster young children. Childhood is right up there as one of the best times of your life and it's over so quickly and every child deserves a magical one. All the problems and stresses of teenage hormones and adult responsibility come at you like a freakin wrecking ball before you know it.
A lovely blogger (I'm sorry I don't know who because there's so many lovely ones, and they're all similar) posted a list of things she'd love to do with her life.
I have SO MUCH I'd love to do as well and so I thought it'd be good to make my own list, but stick to the short term.
I'm going to leave off the obvious like "Be the best mammy/girlfriend/wife I can" Of course I want that! It's like saying "Love my baby", "Remember to breathe".
I'm not always going to be the best mam and the best girlfriend. It's healthy to understand that. At the moment I'm pretty bad at both.
So here goes. My hopes and goals for the next couple of years.
- Have lots of therapy - be helped.
- Tame the paranoia. (Even try beta blockers again).
- Get Charlie into a decent nursery and school.
- Visit castles.
- Visit different coasts.
- Visit Scotland (booked for Charlie's 2nd birthday)
- Give Charlie magical Halloweens & Christmases
- Visit animal sanctuary's.
- Take Charlie to Buxton park. (Mine and Chris's 'special' place).
- Get over my alcohol issues. (as in fear of drinking it and being around people who drink it)
- Get engaged.
- Plan where to get married.
- Make some friends. A friend.
- Have another baby.
- Learn not to care about my weight.
- Help Chris get the job he deserves.
- Travel in a hot air balloon.
- Visit Cornwall's Coombe Mill in Spring.
- Cook more. Experiment with food.
- Find ways to cope when times get really hard.
Saturday 5 April 2014
Garden play!
One of the reasons we wanted this house (and went over budget for it), was for the back garden. It's not acres of wonderland, but it's there and it's very private and it's ours, and I think it has big potential.
We moved in at the end of last October when it was freezing, and the back garden looked like a junk yard covered in freaky leaf creatures and moss monsters - some seriously scary looking weeds! and I was way too focused on Halloween (I love Halloween!) to even think about it.
Now it's spring I'm determined to be a slave to it whenever I can. I'm a total gardening amateur, but I really want a lovely outdoor space for Charlie to play in during the summer (and barbecues and a couple of loungers would be lush!)
There are so many outdoor activities available to you when you have a garden!
We're going to start on the lawn tomorrow by ourselves. I'm guessing it's going to be a long, strenuous process; pulling up all the weeds and what look like doc leaves (which means nettles are around somewhere, I think!), raking up the bald patches and planting all the lawn seed - then manually watering it all (we left our hosepipe at our last house so we now have a watering can!)
So what we did, along with our mini-Gardener, is tackled the flower bed which leads up the path. We managed to finish a third of it before Charlie started his whinges. He's only 21 months so I'm pretty proud that he lasted half an hour!
We pulled up all the dead trees, shallots, and weeds, and saved all the worms by putting them onto the grass (hope they escape into next door!)
Then we raked it over, mixed in some Miracle-Gro, and planted some peas and some other mixed flowers. We also planted carrots, pumpkins and sun flowers in little pots which are in the kitchen, ready to be re-plotted outside in large trays and pots outside. (We have a little patio at the top).
Carrots, pumpkins, and sunflowers.
We moved in at the end of last October when it was freezing, and the back garden looked like a junk yard covered in freaky leaf creatures and moss monsters - some seriously scary looking weeds! and I was way too focused on Halloween (I love Halloween!) to even think about it.
Now it's spring I'm determined to be a slave to it whenever I can. I'm a total gardening amateur, but I really want a lovely outdoor space for Charlie to play in during the summer (and barbecues and a couple of loungers would be lush!)
There are so many outdoor activities available to you when you have a garden!
We're going to start on the lawn tomorrow by ourselves. I'm guessing it's going to be a long, strenuous process; pulling up all the weeds and what look like doc leaves (which means nettles are around somewhere, I think!), raking up the bald patches and planting all the lawn seed - then manually watering it all (we left our hosepipe at our last house so we now have a watering can!)
So what we did, along with our mini-Gardener, is tackled the flower bed which leads up the path. We managed to finish a third of it before Charlie started his whinges. He's only 21 months so I'm pretty proud that he lasted half an hour!
We pulled up all the dead trees, shallots, and weeds, and saved all the worms by putting them onto the grass (hope they escape into next door!)
Then we raked it over, mixed in some Miracle-Gro, and planted some peas and some other mixed flowers. We also planted carrots, pumpkins and sun flowers in little pots which are in the kitchen, ready to be re-plotted outside in large trays and pots outside. (We have a little patio at the top).
Carrots, pumpkins, and sunflowers.
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Please note: All the junk at the back is NOT ours, it was kindly left dumped there by the previous tenants and our landlord is taking forever to get it shifted!
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| Pulling up the prickly (half dead) tree! |
Exploring the overgrown grass!
Raking up the soil.
Fascinated by the worms, he thought they were snakes!
I'm planning on buying a wooden bird table and making an activity out of painting it multicoloured. I LOVE how many birds there are around here even though the place is crawling with cats! (Cleo isn't an outdoor cat so she won't be catching any!)
I really want to plant a blossom tree at the back of the lawn for Earth Day.
Linking up to fun activities in the outdoors over at Coombe Mill! :)
Colour play: Week 1: Yellow.
I sincerely apologise for the quality of photos . My Nikon broke (again) so had to use my phone.
1. On Monday we went to the park and explored the yellow sunflowers
2. We came back and painted them (breakthrough with messy play, yay!)
3. On Tuesday we planted some yellow sunflowers in little pots.
4. On Wednesday we went to the park again and found some different yellow flowers.
"Yeh-whoa yeh-wan" (Cuuute!)
1. Monday: Yellow banana
2. Tuesday: Yellow chick
(Apologies for my appalling drawing - at least Charlie could somehow tell what they were!)
1. Thursday: Yellow sun
2. Friday: Yellow duckling (daddy's efforts!)
I was dead set on making some yellow coloured rice - but life got in the way a bit. So instead I'm going to make different bags of one colour (for each colour week) and a bag of rainbow rice for him to have some rainbow play with.
We also attempted a yellow dinosaur swamp... but it went green - which is kind of more realistic I suppose! I'm going to do a separate post on that because it was a great activity.
Charlie has actually started saying 'Yeh-whoa' now, which is more than he was doing before so I'm going to deem this colour-week-idea-thing successful! Go me! And go Charlie! :).
Bring on Green week next week! :)
Yellow
I know I dress all dark and gothic, but I actually really love
colour.
Charlie's doing well with his, he recognises pink, (sometimes red) and orange straight away, but struggles with others.
So I decided to focus on one colour a week.
Every day this week we highlighted the colour yellow.
1. On Monday we went to the park and explored the yellow sunflowers
2. We came back and painted them (breakthrough with messy play, yay!)
3. On Tuesday we planted some yellow sunflowers in little pots.
4. On Wednesday we went to the park again and found some different yellow flowers.
1. Snack time: Yellow banana crisps.
2. Yellow beads on the abacus
3. He (eventually) found the yellow key on his xylophone!
4. We matched a yellow lemon to the lemon in his colour book.
"Yeh-whoa yeh-wan" (Cuuute!)
(Funky punky yellow bandana)
My new little painter!
This is really good fun now that Charlie loves painting.
We painted one yellow coloured object a day.
1. Monday: Yellow banana
2. Tuesday: Yellow chick
(Apologies for my appalling drawing - at least Charlie could somehow tell what they were!)
1. Thursday: Yellow sun
2. Friday: Yellow duckling (daddy's efforts!)
I was dead set on making some yellow coloured rice - but life got in the way a bit. So instead I'm going to make different bags of one colour (for each colour week) and a bag of rainbow rice for him to have some rainbow play with.
We also attempted a yellow dinosaur swamp... but it went green - which is kind of more realistic I suppose! I'm going to do a separate post on that because it was a great activity.
Charlie has actually started saying 'Yeh-whoa' now, which is more than he was doing before so I'm going to deem this colour-week-idea-thing successful! Go me! And go Charlie! :).
Bring on Green week next week! :)
Thursday 3 April 2014
Trendy Thursday - musical theme!
We're a very musical family, so I've always loved Charle in little band T-shirts, and can usually find them in H&M kids and Next.
In the boys section.
Charlie's growing up around mammy & daddy's music which is a crazy and delightful mixture of rock, reggae, a bit of metal; rock n roll, rockabilly, blues, folk & country- which I think he might like judging by his jumping around and grinning when it comes on!
Like most toddlers, he loves anything he can use to create music (aka: loud noise), his xlyophone, his maracas and bells, his djembe drum, and daddy's ukelele & guitars!
I apologise for the quality of these pictures; my Nikon has broken. Again. And for good this time. So most of these are taken on my phone, and the camera isn't as great as it promised to be in all the adverts.
That's the last time I buy a Nikon, it's the 3rd to completely break in just a few months.
In the boys section.
Charlie's growing up around mammy & daddy's music which is a crazy and delightful mixture of rock, reggae, a bit of metal; rock n roll, rockabilly, blues, folk & country- which I think he might like judging by his jumping around and grinning when it comes on!
Like most toddlers, he loves anything he can use to create music (aka: loud noise), his xlyophone, his maracas and bells, his djembe drum, and daddy's ukelele & guitars!
I apologise for the quality of these pictures; my Nikon has broken. Again. And for good this time. So most of these are taken on my phone, and the camera isn't as great as it promised to be in all the adverts.
That's the last time I buy a Nikon, it's the 3rd to completely break in just a few months.
The Rolling Stones & Led Zepp tee's are both from Next; the guitar romper is from F&F at Tesco (amazing quality material too), and AC/DC top is from H&M kids. All in the boys section - which seriously...just rawr!
Bob Marley bodysuit. I love this. I bought this from Download Festival in 2010 or something, before I even had kids, for when I had kids! It doesn't specify the size but I think it's 12-18, and still fits Charlie now at 21 months, woohoo.
His rolling stones "tracksuit" (I hate calling it that but I suppose that's what it is!) was bought from George at Asda. I was scanning the clothes for something decent and these were all hidden at the back behind a load of fake burbery print or something, it's brilliant for rough and tumble play, or .. I was going to say a slouchy duvet rainy day but they don't exist with a nearly-two-year-old!
I'm been going crazy buying Charlie summer stuff, and I'm currently saving up for a couple of summer rompers from idikidual - my new favourite baby clothes!
I'm currently SO in love with this: I will have it before the summer!
Show off your little ones style over at:
Sunday 30 March 2014
Saturday 29 March 2014
Puddle jumping in Cleadon Park & shell collecting on Marsden bay.
I've had a bad week.
The first couple of days I had agony with toothache, and then
came the terrifying, horrible dental surgery experience, so we
didn't get out of the house at all until Friday, which was awful for
everybody. (Mammy gets a bit "caged-cheetah" when she's housebound!).
We also had some seriously impressive thunder storms. All fiery-fork lightening and hail, which even I didn't want to go out in!
So when it got to Friday and I felt a bit better, I grabbed Charlie and his wellies, and we went hunting for some big splashy puddles in the park.
My personal highlight of the week has to be the breakthrough with Charlie's messy play. He allowed himself to be absolutely covered in yellow and green paint this week, and for him that's massive. He actually sat in the tuff tray and put his hands and feet in it himself; whereas before anything sticky or wet or slimy would have him running for the safety of familiar things. He was always curious, but his nerves held him back.
I've had to be very patient with him, but with some gentle encouragement and praise (and mammy & daddy getting stuck in too!), he's starting to realise that getting messy can be fun!
I tried to get him interested in my brilliant shell-find but he'd found another fun activity, picking up sand and gravel and sprinkling it onto a big rock! He shouted "rock!" as he was doing it, and as I was carrying him up the steps afterwards "Bye rock!".... I think he likes big rocks. That's okay!
Charlie found a huge rusty.... thing... he called it "wheels!" I was cautious of him touching it (and banging his head on it) but he was really interested in dropping pebbles through it and feeling the rusty texture.
In the Grotto in the cave!
We also had some seriously impressive thunder storms. All fiery-fork lightening and hail, which even I didn't want to go out in!
So when it got to Friday and I felt a bit better, I grabbed Charlie and his wellies, and we went hunting for some big splashy puddles in the park.
My personal highlight of the week has to be the breakthrough with Charlie's messy play. He allowed himself to be absolutely covered in yellow and green paint this week, and for him that's massive. He actually sat in the tuff tray and put his hands and feet in it himself; whereas before anything sticky or wet or slimy would have him running for the safety of familiar things. He was always curious, but his nerves held him back.
I've had to be very patient with him, but with some gentle encouragement and praise (and mammy & daddy getting stuck in too!), he's starting to realise that getting messy can be fun!
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| Picking up a dirty stick and digging with it in the mud! (So proud!) |
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He did all this himself. Swirling the water around with his finger and then putting his entire hand in and feeling the mud.
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I tried to get him interested in my brilliant shell-find but he'd found another fun activity, picking up sand and gravel and sprinkling it onto a big rock! He shouted "rock!" as he was doing it, and as I was carrying him up the steps afterwards "Bye rock!".... I think he likes big rocks. That's okay!Charlie found a huge rusty.... thing... he called it "wheels!" I was cautious of him touching it (and banging his head on it) but he was really interested in dropping pebbles through it and feeling the rusty texture.
In the Grotto in the cave!
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| A great mothers day! Linking up to:  |
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