I haven't had the time or energy to blog much over the last few days. I've done tons of successful and non-successful activities with Charlie but my confidence has been really low. I've also had horrendous toothache (decay or something, something to do with the nerve - it flippin kills anyway) and then a couple of days ago I had a terrifying dentist experience where she wrenched out one of my top molars.
Seriously. I'd go through child birth before that again. Many times. It was horrific. I did lots of research beforehand on people saying that it's not that bad and you hardly feel it etc etc, and you do hardly feel it, I mean you feel it sliding out of your gum -forcefully - the sensation feels queasy and eugh - but that's not the worst part. It's the bleeding.
I had a loooong chat with the dentist as soon as I was in the chair, telling her all my concerns, how I had to be induced with Charlie and wasn't allowed an epidural due to my platelets and blood pressure dropping continuously. If I'd have had an epidural, the doctors were pretty sure my blood wouldn't clot once it was taken out. I think that was the gist of what they were saying, I was in shock at the time. I was also told that I may or may not need a C-section. For some reason. That didn't make sense. And I couldn't understand the South African doctor all that well... but the point was that there was something wrong with my blood.
I had (about 5) blood tests after Charlie's birth and he had to have one too (which was horrible to watch, he was a day old at the time, in fact I walked off because I was an emotional wreck) and the results all came back positive, that mine and Charlie's blood was fine.
The dentist seemed satisfied that she should go ahead and pull TWO teeth out of my mouth. And I had to let her, because the pain I'd been suffering from them had stopped me sleeping and made me even more of a hormonal roller-coaster wreck than usual.
I don't really want to go into detail, because I know if I was reading this it'd make me feel lightheaded if I explained everything exactly. Lets just say that the bleeding and the sensation of it in my mouth was waaaaaaay too much for me to handle and I was seconds off passing out. I was shaking violently and my dress was drenched with sweat. I managed to tell my dentist that I felt weird and she and the assistants stopped what they were doing and I was given a sugary drink and laid down, which helped. I also managed to tell her not to take the other one out - which she'd already decided on herself. If I'd had two pulled out I would have passed out. I don't even know how it's possible to have more than one pulled out and control the bleeding at the same time. HOW would that work?
Not being able to put
pressure on your own bleeding 'wound' when every instinct in your body
is telling you to feels like torture.Just laying there bleeding is just horrible. Especially to somebody as sensitive and squeamish and paranoid as me.
I had two stitches, which I was glad for, and which didn't hurt, but I just felt so spaced out, sick and scared. I just wanted to leave as soon as I could.
Then I was told to sit in the waiting room with a numbed up face to see if the bleeding was properly under control. I was shaking and trying to text Chris (luckily our house is about 20 feet away from the dentist, you can practically see it from the waiting room) who tried to text back words of comfort!
I was terrified my mouth would start pouring with blood. But it didn't, and after another check up the dentist let me go. I felt like I had to say "Thank You" but it was one of the worst experiences I've had. I then spent over two hours stuffing kitchen roll in my mouth trying to dry up the bloody saliva I couldn't bring myself to swallow, and the bleeding as it stopped and started.
It's stopped bleeding now and I've got a dull ache in my mouth, which is completely bearable compared to tooth decay pain.
But I've just been feeling 'blah' in general.
I read that having the contraceptive implant taken out made some women feel brand new, all new-found-confidence and energy and less paranoid, but not me. I feel the same, and I've been having nightmares. Great, eh?
I also had to cancel my first SAD therapy appointment due to dental stuff, so I've got a new one on Monday at 10.45. I'm obviously nervous about that too.
I feel fat.
I feel useless.
I feel like Charlie doesn't love me (maybe like me, a bit)
I feel like everything I try to cook goes wrong.
I feel like my blog is rubbish and everybody elses is great.
I feel ugly.
I feel like I don't do enough and I'm wasting my life.
I feel like the house is always a mess.
I feel sad that Chris (and everyone I have on Facebook) is going out all the time with friends.
I wish I had a friend.
I feel frustrated that the parent and toddler bloggers I've added on Instagram seem to be doing new activities with their toddler every day. I can't do that due to lack of energy, mental health problems, and lack of cash! Ingredients for messy and creative play aren't cheap, they're really not when you're wanting to do different things all the time. It's 5 quid for non-toxic childrens paint for Charlie's age and he wants to use all of it in one session.
Rice and pasta and food colouring and sand and water beads and paint and glowing vitamin water and slime and shape cutters and glitter and whatever else. It all adds up. But I feel like if I'm not getting all of this stuff and doing stuff with Charlie ALL THE TIME, then I'm failing him and I'm a bad mother and he's going to have developmental issues.
I honestly love him so much and I wish so much I was better and Chris was able to work full time and not stay here to look after us. But at the moment it's not possible. I need this therapy and I need to get better, and I need Chris to get the job he deserves and I need to feel like I'm doing something purposeful.
It's just hard at the moment.