Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Feelings and aims

To anyone reading this ...just please understand that my mind isn't working properly at the moment, and my writing is suffering. My head feels battered all the time.

Believe it or not I've done multiple writing courses!

I had my first therapy session and I have another tomorrow. I will be posting about both tomorrow evening. As cliche as it sounds, one good thing about having SAD & a blog is the potential to help others with this horrible illness.
I've been neglecting my blog lately though, and I think it's because it's just so colourful and joyful and cheery and my life "outside of the blog world" is the opposite. Hence the change of layout. It just seemed fake.

I have severe paranoia and freaked out worry like I've never felt. All you bloggers seem to live such exciting lives, full of activity and fun and never ending love and energy. I'm in huge envious awe.

I completely understand that it's hard to be a new blogger and you should expect to be ignored in favor of popular bloggers. But with Social Anxiety Disorder - ANY commuication (or lack thereof -ie being ignored) is hard.

I freak out when people comment, I freak out when they don't. You can't win.

It's a complex illness.

I don't expect people to care. Do you blog and expect people to care? Because I do care about some of you. Some of your posts really affect me and I genuinely post responses that are honest and caring. I want to make you feel better.

I'm sitting there with my heart breaking for some of you. And I'm sitting there grinning like mad at some of your fun activities. I believe that I care.

But do you care that I care? I care too much that you care that I care. And I care that you care that I care that you care.

But I can't care about all these blogs if I'm not getting a little bit back. Otherwise it's just draining. Yeah I'd love to be a 100% giver and expect nothing in return, but who can honestly say they'd be happy never feeling cared about?

I'm so delicate about it all. I hate how it all sounds, like how pathetic it sounds, but it's me, and it's the me I'm stuck with, just like you've got you.

I don't think people understand just how different people can be MENTALLY. And how that affects them PHYSICALLY. Just how much harder it is to do simple things.

People will say "Oh I find it so hard to get up with my child in the night and play with them all day and deal with their tantrums and do all the housework, cook all the meals, and be pregnant at the same time, but I do it and I smile because I'm a mum and I love my kids"

Well I love my little boy too. Just as much. But you have to believe that I find that stuff 500x harder because there is so much missing from my life that you have in yours. The stuff that balances the bad times out.

I don't have a normal relationship with my partner for starters. I don't let him near me. I haven't let him near me for two years. Even holding hands is hard. He's also 100% of my support system. I have no other friends or family who support me. Nobody.

I've lived like this for too long. My life is wasting away. My best years.

Of course I try. And I need this to be believed. I try SO DAMN HARD to give Charlie adventure and fun. Every week I do different activities with him and take him somewhere new. Chris needs to be with me. But we do it. Every week. Nearly every day Charlie is doing something creative and educational. An eating food full of vitamins, protein, fiber, calcium and iron. Childhood is so special.

His will be special.

I know for a fact that other parents who aren't even affected mentally don't bother with their kids. So yeah, I take some pride in what I do with Charlie. But I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy and I'm this perfect mammy and I'm coping fine with Social Anxiety and depression. I'm not. I'm not coping.

I really feel like just one person cares. Should that be enough? He shouldn't have to be my carer. He needs care too. But then his life is jam packed with his friends and family calling him all the time. But still, he shouldn't need to be my carer.

I feel like I want a way out. All the time. I want to be fixed. How do I do it?

I'm lonely and I'm sad and I'm SO DAMN JEALOUS of EVERYONE who has friends and a social life. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a friend. I mean an actual real life friend who isn't just words on a screen from somebody sitting behind it miles away. Sometimes thousands of miles away.

I have 4 contacts in my phone; mum, dad, Chris and the doctors. Mum and dad call every month and the conversation is about Charlie and when they can see him.

I'm not saying that I don't love some of the people I've met online either. Some of you are amazing. I have seen some genuinely altruistic acts, and that's really rare.

I want to be like that. I so want to help others with SAD and I want to foster young children. Childhood is right up there as one of the best times of your life and it's over so quickly and every child deserves a magical one. All the problems and stresses of teenage hormones and adult responsibility come at you like a freakin wrecking ball before you know it.

A lovely blogger (I'm sorry I don't know who because there's so many lovely ones, and they're all similar) posted a list of things she'd love to do with her life.

I have SO MUCH I'd love to do as well and so I thought it'd be good to make my own list, but stick to the short term.

I'm going to leave off the obvious like "Be the best mammy/girlfriend/wife I can" Of course I want that! It's like saying "Love my baby", "Remember to breathe".

I'm not always going to be the best mam and the best girlfriend. It's healthy to understand that.
At the moment I'm pretty bad at both.

So here goes. My hopes and goals for the next couple of years.

  1. Have lots of therapy - be helped.
  2. Tame the paranoia. (Even try beta blockers again).
  3. Get Charlie into a decent nursery and school.
  4. Visit castles.
  5. Visit different coasts.
  6. Visit Scotland (booked for Charlie's 2nd birthday)
  7. Give Charlie magical Halloweens & Christmases
  8. Visit animal sanctuary's.
  9. Take Charlie to Buxton park. (Mine and Chris's 'special' place).
  10. Get over my alcohol issues. (as in fear of drinking it and being around people who drink it)
  11. Get engaged.
  12. Plan where to get married.
  13. Make some friends. A friend.
  14. Have another baby.
  15. Learn not to care about my weight.
  16. Help Chris get the job he deserves.
  17. Travel in a hot air balloon.
  18. Visit Cornwall's Coombe Mill in Spring.
  19. Cook more. Experiment with food.
  20. Find ways to cope when times get really hard.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry Katie :-( I feel terrible. For a few weeks I've tweeted you and not heard back and kept thinking that I must check in with you, check your blog. Tonight I had the chance and I've just seen your two last blog posts and my heart is aching for you. I feel awful. I knew that you had issues and were struggling but I didn't realise it had got so bad for you. I really don't know if there is anything I can say or do to help things, but I couldn't read and not post.

    It's really hard being a "new" blogger. Especially now. Blogging is huge and it's really hard to be read and heard now. Adding in the social anxiety side of things, makes it even harder. I don't suffer in the way you do, but I do have and have had my own experiences of anxiety and depression. In fact, I've written about them recently. I do understand what you are trying to explain.

    I hope that you are getting help. I hope that you start to feel better. I hope that you come back to blogging.

    Love to you. XX