Monday, 10 March 2014

Social Anxiety & emotional stuff update

A week ago I had a phone call questionnaire (all about deep feelings & personal stuff) to get myself a therapist. I've not had my phone call back with an appointment.

I'm a little bit concerned because Charlie took it upon himself to fling my mobile into a splodge of orange goo- and it didn't like it as much as he did.

Now it will allow people to call me, but not allow me to answer.  Arrgh!!

It's okay. I get a new mobile next week. Chris gets some upgrade thing on his contract where they apparently send him a brand new mobile for free, and he's giving me it. My first mobile with the internet on it! Haha, I sound 56 rather than 26.

Honestly, I never buy myself new gadget stuff because I'm just not bothered enough about it. I've never even had an I-pod. My last phone was £10 from Argos and that was just for emergencies & to keep in touch with the parents - and hence, it lost the attack of the orange slime. That sounds like an old Goosebumps book! I used to love them books when I was about 10. They were great books. I still love thriller books - I need to do a 'top books' blog when I have a spare hour!

So this new internet phone means I can instagram!! That's right, isn't it? so I'm pretty excited about being able to capture pictures & stick them straight on there before they disappear because I've accidentally formatted my phone or something.

I've also -huge cheer- had the flippin' contraceptive implanon taken out at last! I've had months & months of these miniscule hormone-devils rampaging about my body, turning me from a raging bull to a tearful, shaking jelly leaf. The removal process is far from fun, I can tell you that. It flippin well hurts. I am NOT good with anesthetic. I need about 3 shots of it before they can operate. But it's out. Hooray. I'm so glad it's out. I just want to feel like a normal human being and not like I'm being controlled by some synthetic hormonal substance!

I don't know if it's part of being a parent; a part of my SAD, or the implant or what, but I've been excessively paranoid too. Horribly, darkly paranoid. I think whatever transport I'm on will crash. I'll convince myself of it; my pulse will race and I'll sweat and it'll be hard for me to breathe. I think we'll be hit by a car. I think I'll food poison Charlie with QUORN. Yeah, it's really not been a barrel of laughs being Katie over the last few months... I don't want to be like this! I want to be like the other people sat there on the train on their i-whatevers forgetting they're even on a train!

But now that my arm is free of the rod of squirting deviljuice; I hope I'll start to feel a bit closer to "normal" again. My old normal self anyway. Have normal periods again - not that I'll be celebrating them - I've not been blessed there either. What's great though, is It also leaves me free to conceive again - at some point in the far future when I feel better in myself and me & Chris have this place straightened up. A lot. I cannot wait to give Charlie a brother or sister. I honestly think he'll love them more than anything else.

I need these therapy people to contact me.

One last thing - the thing that's making me feel good about life at the moment is blogging.

I'd recommend blogging to anybody with Social Anxiety. It's a different world, and yeah the whole 'putting your life out there for scrutiny' is scary - but you can find people like YOU. I've found some lovely, friendly people and they've made me feel so confident about myself already with just a couple of comments.

What with me not having any real-life friends, it's fascinating, exciting, liberating - so many things! to be able to enter into a part of other peoples lives & communicate and share pictures and stories. It really helps to fill the gap where my social life would be. I suppose that blogging is a type of therapy in itself :).

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